I Like My Slacker Son Better

7/28/2025 –

It’s very late at night in the functional family’s house. The son comes home, it’s like we haven’t seen each other in a while and want to grab a beer. So we drive out to a local convenience store and grab a 6 pack of Coors Light tall boys. As we’re bringing them back in the house I realize the functional parents can see us from their bedrooms and I think to myself.

“I know they’re ok with this, but isn’t it a bit weird they’re ok with this? We’re about to drink beer at 5 in the morning.”

And as the functional son is putting the beer in the fridge, I’m genuinely thinking that I don’t even want one. I get the vibe the son doesn’t either. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

7/29/2025 –

I’m looking at these amazingly bitchin’ green and yellow Seattle Storm uniforms. There’s a new logo that looks almost like a Mayan calendar. All of these seem like they were designed in a video game and I’m here for it.

A woman leans forward in an impossible manner. Her spine is jacked all the way forward and at a complete right angle at the waist. I can’t see her face because it’s straight downward but she hands me a piece of paper to sign. Once I do, she slaps it on her ass, which is wrapped in light washed jeans. The way she is standing is an impossible jackknife.  

7/30/2025 –

I’m going to a Simple Minds concert with my wife (which we just did a couple of months ago because my wife loves Simple Minds). This gets very odd because we’re sitting up front just to the right of the stage in these blocks of flattened out stadium seats. And like, what the fuck is even going on? Is it a concert? I can’t even tell. I genuinely don’t even know what’s up here. It feels like a concert is happening but also just like things are being shifted around and people are talking. Sometimes it feels like music is being played into our minds.

At one point I look up and now we’re in the upper decks and it’s not very crowded. Now we’re back in the floor seats. Eventually my wife goes away for what seems like some kind of backstage meet and greet or whatever. While she’s doing this, my other friend is there and he’s telling me they wanted $800 bucks for the backstage experience. OK.

When my wife returns, she’s now sitting in the row behind me. I head back to talk to her but she’s got this new friend, who’s also a beautiful woman and it’s like she’s too cool to talk to me now because of her new friend. She’s sitting next to this woman now, not me. OK.

I head up a couple rows and there’s an open seat next to this other conventionally attractive woman. There aren’t too many open seats and I feel weird about sitting next to this woman, mainly because she’s so hot. Like, I don’t want to seem like a creep but there aren’t many open seats left and it is open seating.

Shortly after I sit down, the row of chairs starts moving forward like an amusement park ride. Whoa. This is fucking insane and I’ve got to hand it to Simple Minds. This is a hell of a concert. I don’t even know how the fuck they’re doing this.

After rolling forward a bit in our seats, all these colorfully dressed characters start appearing in front of us. They look very weird and arty with their strange hooded outfits and they start like dance fighting. I immediately start comparing it to West Side Story in my mind, which is curious because I’ve never seen that movie. The main thing is that they have these energy sticks they’re holding in their hands above their heads and when they swing these things around, you can see these streaks of crackling yellow energy following them.

Our moving seats are slowly careening through these dance fights while a song I’ve never heard before plays. I bask in amazement. Yeah, Simple Minds are apparently the greatest live band of all time and again, how the hell are they doing this? As I’m wondering this, I wake up.

When I get back under, it’s like I’m now underneath the stage and I’m a dad of this kid who’s apparently a science genius. I’m this thin guy with square silver wire rimmed glasses and messy dark hair that honestly looks a bit like David Koresh. What has my kid built? Well, the world’s first laser. Yep. Somehow I’m now back in time before the invention of the laser. He has an adult mentor who helped build the thing and they’re super excited about it because obviously.

I want a demonstration, which they provide. His whole laser device is encased in what looks like one of those glass popcorn machines. I see it myself, the thing works, and I tell he and his mentor quite specifically that neither one of them are to mention anything about the existence of this device to absolutely anyone until we can secure the patent. Like, no word of this goes anywhere until we can shore that up.

I also ask him if the device needs any specific materials to run and with this my consciousness shifts back into the machine. What the fuck? This laser seems to run on cheese and crackers. As if that isn’t strange enough, what happens next is even more unexpected as my thoughts now shift to my other son.

I’m for some reason thinking about how he’s going to think I love my genius son more because of this, which is actually the opposite of the truth. I see him up in the stands kicking around aimlessly above us. Bored. That kid doesn’t give a fuck just like I do. He knows our society is all bullshit. He’s a slacker just like me and I’ve always loved him more because I can relate to him. In a way I think he’s smarter. He sees through the nonsense. That’s about when I wake up.

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