Why Do So Many Christians Think Satan is Such a Pussy?

by Thad McKraken on January 30, 2013

Your consciousness is always going to be a reflection your own informational intake, and it was probably reading pieces on Disinfo last week regarding shit like the practical applications of witch hunts, satanic child sex abuse conspiracies, and listening to Gabriel D. Roberts talk about his uber demento-Christian upbringing that got me thinking about a topic I’ve been meaning to write about for quite some time now. Namely, why do so many Christians, who spend a large portion of their lives supposedly battling Satan, seem to think he’s the biggest panty-waste imaginable?

One of the most absolutely unexpected things that happened after I started my occult practice seven years ago was that I ended up running head on into themes that echo throughout the core tenets of all the world’s major religions. This is all stuff I’d completely written off as ridiculous in my more rebellious youth. I rejected Christianity at age sixteen because, well, there are just too many holes in the logical infrastructure there to stand up to much of my youthful critical thinking. I’ve pointed that out to proselytizers. Did it occur to you that some people don’t have the ability to believe in your religion? It doesn’t necessarily help one maintain their faith when bands like Ministry, Tool, Nine Inch Nails, and Soundgarden are blowing up the charts with their god-is-dead-and-no-one-cares/get-off the-fucking-cross-we-need-the-fucking-space-to-nail-the-next-fool-martyr schticks (god bless their hearts). So I basically looked at religion through a darkened lens of callous disdain until I went all occult and realized through a series of bizarro astral encounters that these supposedly holy books are just time diluted shamanism/astral projection stuff. Higher less structural utopic realms above feeding off lower more ordered realms below? Check. Life as a sort of morality test to determine if you’re ready to ascend heavenward? Again, yep. Even the whole daemonic vs. angelic (lots of ways to phrase this) thing was going on, which took me ages to figure out. I was actually quite hilariously taunted by these clever guardian entities for taking so long to get hip (friend me on facebook for magick updates).

I’ve always been the first to laugh at the ridiculousness of the current wave of fashionable occultism best reflected in the aesthetic of an increasing number of metal bands. Errr, it’s about summoning your Holy Guardian Angel, what’s so dark about that exactly? Did you even read the fucking books? Obviously not. Way to buy into the church’s smear campaign fellas. But you know, the more I’ve thought about it, I’ve come to realize that I have more wrestling with daemon stories than I can count. There’s definitely a dark aspect to all of this high strangeness, in fact, there’s an entire chapter in my new book called Resisting the Great Satan. Where people get confused is that the occult game involves mastering your daemons, not worshiping them. Pretty damn practical skill if I might say so myself, and it’s with this in mind that I’m going to offer a bit of sound advice to all those Christian soldiers so valiantly trying to take this Satan motherfucker down.

First off, before the rationalist tripsters lose it on me for entertaining a concept as ridiculous as the Devil, let me refer you to this piece on Peruvian shamanism that ran in National freaking Geographic of all places:

“I found myself laughing at them. “I’m not scared of you,” I said. But the darkness became even thicker; the emotional charge of suffering nearly unbearable. I felt as if I would burst from heartbreak—everywhere, I felt the agony of humankind, its tragedies, its hatreds, its sorrows. I reached the bottom of the tunnel and saw three thrones in a black chamber. Three shadowy figures sat in the chairs; in the middle was what I took to be the devil himself.

“The darkness will never end,” he said. “It will never end. You can never escape this place.”

“I can,” I replied.”

Shamanism 101 – removing daemons from westerners, and that’d be what I’m getting at. Our entire culture might as well be one giant writhing daemon copulation station. This Satan you’re rallying against is one bad mamma jamma and y’all are severely underestimating the dude. Let’s just for a second logically think about what this zany character’s role would be in our culture. Wouldn’t he be in charge of churning out hatred, fear, and negative energy in mass quantities, the more the better? Now how would he do that exactly? Well, we can scratch convincing people to get abortions and turn all gay off the list. Yeah, sorry, those things don’t honestly lead to increased suffering, in fact, the suppression of those things does. Being gay doesn’t suck in itself, but getting the crap kicked out of you for being gay sure as hell does. Getting a legal abortion might make you depressed for a bit (although not nearly as intense as post partum depression I might point out), but getting unintentionally sliced up and dying from an illegal abortion is sure going to be unreasonably unpleasant for the family and the victim. It’s with this in mind that I tried my best to use my occult expertise with daemons, which is fairly extensive I might add, to come up with a five step plan (five sides in the inverted Pentagram and all) that an entity such as Satan might just employ in his nefarious schemes to quite literally create hell on earth.

Step One: Infiltrate and Control Organized Religion

It should be pointed out that this is the base by which all the other steps are grounded, the foundation of pain if you will. As mentioned, your basic occult practice involves summoning your Holy Guardian Angel, and what better way to keep people lost in cycles of anguished daemonic servitude than to make sure they stay as far away from this sacred knowledge as possible? After you start delving into this stuff, an eerie aura starts to slowly seep into your level of recognition. Errr, isn’t a lot of this pretty much the exact inverse of our dominant society’s spiritual beliefs? Crowley and Spare are talking about contacting guardian entities through a combination of sex, art, inner focus, and intoxication—the church is telling you to get there through abstinence and sobriety. God, and their music always sucks. Add to that the fact that one of the most fundamental tenets of shamanism is the ritual ingestion of sacred plants which have been intentionally made illegal, and well, you do the math. The term witch hunt exists for a reason.

Then you run into shit like the Boystown scandal and all the catholic church sex abuse stuff, do I need to draw you a map? I honestly can’t think of a better means of creating nearly inextinguishable daemons than child sex abuse. Those are going to be some deep rooted fuckers. You ever notice how victims of pedophilia tend to end up being the future’s pederasts? These cycles are hard to stop once set in motion.

Even in Seattle, which is one of the most hippied out cities in the world we still have the proliferation of egomaniacal douchetards like Marc Driscoll and his corporate style Mars Hill mind manipulation factory. Here’s a guy who tells you EXACTLY how you can behave in the sack and get into heaven. I suggest you all read that, but I can sum it up pretty quick. Any sex act that doesn’t involve two married hetero sexual people is against god. You can masturbate and think about your wife if your wife’s in the room, so that’s cool right. What the fuck? Did I mention this guy has admitted publicly that he moved to Seattle and started a church because a voice in his head told him to. You sure that was Jesus, bro?

Step Two: Use Your Influence with Religion to Make Science Your Bitch

People like Robert Anton Wilson have pointed out that science and the occult used to be colluding against religion, but now it’s totally backwards, science and religion are colluding against the occult. Seriously, if you’re into the occult these days people think you’re completely fucking insane, and what, because you read more than one book about spirituality and tried more than one consciousness altering practice? I tried the traditional Christian rituals and found that they didn’t do much for me. What in god’s name is crazy about moving on? Craptons of books have been written about spirituality over the years, why on earth would you fixate on just one? It’s the most bizarrely illogical shit in the universe. Moreover, why wouldn’t you read or try any, which is the category most atheists I know fall into. There is no value in spiritual practice and those things are for superstitious idiots, why would I waste my time? Try it and you’ll see. They hate that answer.

Here’s the thing, I wanted to study things like parapsychology in school and didn’t because it was obviously a fools errand. I got a degree in psychology at a college level and dream analysis wasn’t mentioned once past Psych 101. Jung barely came up. They taught us Freud but none of the racy sex/death impulse stuff. Granted, this was in the Midwest eleven years ago, but at a supposedly top ten psychology program. I don’t hear anyone say this ever, but I’ve always been of the mind that this attitude of discrimination comes from our dominant religious beliefs. The church doesn’t like competition. People don’t like admitting they’re wrong.

Spirituality means matters of the spirit, it’s right in the word—dreams, visions, premonitions, etc. Spirituality. We barely study this stuff and basically sleep walk through our lives pretending it isn’t happening. I’ve been as guilty of this as anyone for large swaths of my existence. So, instead of research into sigil magick, shamanic healing, lucid dream technology, ethneogen mindgasms, astral projection machines and such, we get predator drones and Paxil. Nice work with that Satan.

Step Three: Regulate the Drug Trade

This goes right in line with the other two, but hits particularly close to home in my world. Throughout my years combing the occult ether for pertinent intel, I’ve gotten the impression there’s a lot deeper psychic ties lurking in the secret depths of the drug war than any of us realize. God, this one time I had an astral contact encounter that seemed to be communicating to me how cycles of narcotics and prostitution keep soldiers lost in a loop of dirty deed servitude to their CIA spook masters. I have no idea where that came from but it was powerful. And what do narcotics do exactly, well they kind of enslave you don’t they? Easiest trick in the book. What drugs are really running up the death toll in Mexico and Central America? Narcotics. What’s the hip new vice among youth of America? Prescription narcotics? You got to give it to the guy downstairs, he’s good. More to the point, why are the drugs that aren’t remotely addictive and seem to show enormous promise for treating addiction illegal (I’m talking about psychedelics if you couldn’t figure that out)? Yeah, no reason except that they’d slow The Devil’s roll now wouldn’t they?

Oh, and what do narcotics go good with? Yeah, booze. In fact, I didn’t even understand pills the first few times I tried them. Didn’t make sense until I threw back a few beers. Oh, the sweet, sweet euphoria. I’ve fooled around with this combination enough to know how easy it is to get lost there and why it’s so dangerous. Mainly though, in the last year I’ve scaled my weekly drinking regimen back roughly seventy five percent? Why? Because I had a spiritual experience that showed me how excessive drunken intoxication weakens my defenses and opens me up to states of daemonic possession. Seriously, that’s why I cleaned up my drinking…finally. So, if we’re going to put any stock in the reality of that experience (could just be a way to get me to do what they want), then our whole society might as well be a goddamn daemon fuck frenzy. There’s booze everywhere. I always like to point out that our culture is alcohol culture to a large extent. Look at sporting events? Concerts? Parties? It’s what our society runs on and why it was and is so hard for me to get away. Ever known an alcoholic? It is…not…savory. Over the holidays I had seven different social obligations over a fourteen day period. Booze was flowing at all of them. Merry Christ-mas to me!

Step Four: The Proliferation of Consumerism and Wealth Inequality

This is pretty standard stuff. All these other factors lead us into a materialistic view of spirituality which basically runs on the idea that possessions are somehow going to bring you a greater sense of well being. It’s a false premise and one that’s rooted so deeply that I have no idea how we’re going to dig ourselves out from under the psychotic culture it’s spawned. American work-a-holism will be the death of us all if we don’t get it in check. Compete rather than cooperate. You know what I think about a lot? How many of us in modern society actually derive a great deal of pleasure from our careers? The number’s got to be less than five percent optimistically. I know every time I’m starting to get unbearably irritated, it normally stems from the fact that I spend the majority of my time doing boring shit I don’t even like to make other people money at my soul draining day job. It’s why you see so much negative vitriol in comments sections and why I was drinking so much when you get right down to it. This shit is making us miserable and the daemons just keep spawning.

Then there’s the wealth inequality thing. Yeah, it just keep getting worse. The poor get infuriated and increasingly desperate. Their lives become hell. The rich become increasingly well fed, evil, and isolated, damning them to endlessly reincarnate as the very ones they’re oppressing. Oh yeah, wouldn’t that be another one of Satan’s functions, tricking people into committing distant heinous acts of which they don’t understand the consequences, thus trapping them in his lower realm. Wealth inequality would sure be a great way of achieving that end.

Funny thing on that front as it turns out. Jesus never says a damn thing in the Bible about abortion or homosexuality. Don’t think he mentioned porn either, but excessive wealth? Oh hell yeah, he was pretty clear about how fucked that is. How do modern Christians come to terms with this while they commune in their football stadium mega-churches? See step one.

Step Five: Eternal War

Let us never forget that George W. Bush managed to get enough votes to swindle the election in 2000 by manipulating the evangelical Christian set in unparalleled fashion. We all know the rest. Regardless of what your opinions are regarding September 11th, let me say something you don’t hear nearly often enough. Whether it was a conspiracy or not is irrelevant. What’s important is that our response to September 11th was about a million times worse than September 11th itself. We started two useless wars, wiretapped our populace, gave up all kinds of civil rights, then doubled the size of the military industrial apparatus just for the fuck of it. Totally what Jesus would have done. He was always going on and on about bombing the living crap out of Muslim kids. The phrase “war is hell” exists for a reason. Think about that one for a sec. The thing that annoyed me to no end about all that retarded go USA jazz was that here we had a supposedly deeply spiritual person in the White House starting wars, and he never had to answer a direct question about how this was in tune with the teachings of Christ. Not once. Obama hasn’t had to field these questions either I might point out, which is what? Exactly how “The Dark Sorcerer” would want it. I’m just sayin’.