How to Become a Living Douche! The Impressively Embarrassing Occultism of EA Koetting

The thing about me being an Occultist is that I didn’t choose the Occult, the Occult chose me. It’s a long story and one you can hear me talk about in this podcast if you’re curious, but the reason I bring it up is that after being summoned into the practice it’s come to my attention that I have exactly nothing in common with the vast majority of freaks in the “Occult scene”. Because of this reality, I’ve started referring to what I do as Psychedelic Occultism (or Chaos Sorcery, or Transdimensional Psychology, or Enthneogenic Esotericism if you’re so inclined) to differentiate it from what these people are doing. It’s pretty important that I do this because lord, I wouldn’t want ANYONE to think that my practice is in any way similar to hyper-douchebags like say, EA Koetting, who I just stumbled on via the internets.

This fucking guy. The reason I’m posting this shit sandwich of videos is because he’s unbelievably and unintentionally hilarious precisely because he possesses exactly zero trace of any sense of humor whatsoever. I have to confess that what I’ve found mindblowing about exploring the Occult is that the church has slandered it as being daemon worship, and because of that, a group of gothed out weirdoes have decided that they love the idea worshipping Satan. Even though the Occult doesn’t actually involve that (it’s about mastering your daemons and making contact with your Holy Guardian Angel), they’re just going to make it about that anyway because they’re just…so…hard. Unbelievable and man, Koetting is the pinnacle of that retardation. In the 40 minutes or so of his videos I watched, and I must confess that I sort of couldn’t stop myself, the one thing I learned is that Koetting has one singular message.

He will give you incredibly easy spiritual answers and all he asks for in exchange is your money. He’s adopted the business model of the megachurch pastor, replete with the attached head mic and everything. He will teach you “How to become a living god” (TM I’m sure) and he repeats this phrase over and over and over and over and over again to burn it into your mind, like any good marketer would. That’s where it gets weird. If you pay attention, he’s not actually teaching you how to become “a living god”, he’s teaching you how to use magick to be a materialist twat. Wouldn’t you like more money, or to get laid, or more money, or to get laid, or more money? How about smiting your enemies? Dude’s got you covered and yet he’s somehow telling you he’ll give you omnipotence (huh?), omnipresence (errr?), and soul travel (okay I actually understand what that would entail because I’ve done it myself). Just a thought, but wouldn’t a living god transcend the desire for lower level daemonic nonsense? Isn’t Godhood about ascending to the higher realms rather than binding yourself to this one? Just what I’ve been shown but let’s move on.

In watching one video I thought the guy was sort of harmless, but then I watched another and was like, well, yeah, this shit is a bit legitimately creepy in its total loser factor but you know, also funnier than shit. Enjoy while Koetting tells you how he summoned Lucifuge (I thought that was just a Danzig album) and made a pact with it to give him unlimited power. Most Occultists would tell you not to summon Lucifuge because it’s too dangerous, but no one tells Koetting what to do man. He’s a grade A American Badass Kid Rock style. There should really be Chuck Norris-esque memes for this halfwit. Enjoy.

Next up, Koetting explains to you why you shouldn’t trust gurus. Here’s where it gets funny: He admits to giving gurus shit tons of money over the years which begs one to wonder: who the fuck is this trust fund brat? Where did he get all this money to give to gurus? Why on earth is a rich white kid so jaded that he thinks worshipping Satan is cool? The most hilarious thing though is the conclusion: you shouldn’t give money to gurus, they’re frauds, you should give money to EA Koetting.

And finally the most creep-tastic of all, where EA talks about how he’s killed many people with magick (he actually says this) and explains how to do a curse on someone so powerful that it will completely destroy them within a year. Please scientists, please test this! The funniest thing is that at one point (maybe it was in another video) he casually mentions his daughter. So, this is a father talking about psychically murdering people like it’s no big deal.

The one thing I’ve taken out of my evening laughing at Koetting is that “becoming a living God” somehow doesn’t grant you the ability to make it through an entire internet video without cutting it and restarting a hundred times. A few people have asked me over the years, what do you think about the left hand path? Well, what I think is that it’s amazingly retarded and pursued by people with deep psychological issues that they’re not addressing. I guess it’s their incredibly complicated way of not addressing these issues. In the last video Koetting explains how he thinks karma is just something that people make up. Well, actually, I didn’t believe in karma at all until I had multiple visions explaining its supreme importance to me. In fact, nearly all of the communique with my Holy Guardian Angel involves the karmic repercussions of my actions in some capacity.

My take? People like Koetting are just conveniently ignoring this reality because they want to i.e. they’re just making up the idea that there’s nothing to it, because that’s what they so desperately want to believe. Gives you full license to be a douche. Come to think of it, that’s precisely how daemonic forms of intelligence would keep you in eternal servitude in the lower realms. Just had a dream the other week where I was going through what I can best describe as a karmic x-ray device to scan whether or not I could access various exotic dimensions (wrote about it on Facebook, friend me). Sort of like an interdimensional security check point. So you’re right hand path then? No, attaining Godhood would mean achieving a perfect balance between the two: Yin and Yang, Chaos and Order, Structure and Anti-Structure what have you. If you go too far either way, you’re fucking yourself over in some capacity. Anyway, I’ve already written about this guy too much, but I’ll conclude in saying that me posting this is actually upping his Youtube views and bringing him more attention than he deserves, so you know, you’re welcome bro. Hilarious, but isn’t that the exact sort of duplicitous shit a pact with daemon would bring you? Maybe his magick does work.

@Thad_McKraken on the Twitters

(Realtime magick always on the Facebooks, Friend me)